Codependent No More Summary

Emir Zecovic | Posted on December 8, 2018 |

9 min read ⌚

How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Published in 1986, this book quickly gained headlines!

It tries to address the endless struggle of a group of people who are not in the loop.

It accentuates the need for combative attitude in given occasions in order to tackle the necessity for perpetual dependency.

Are you codependent or not, is yet to be discovered!

Who Should Read “Codependent No More”? And Why?

As you might know, we all share the same attachment to people or things. The problem is aroused when we fail to put our well-being in the spotlight and prefer the underdog status.

It seems like “Codependent No More” as a book, attempts to unpuzzle the mystery behind this phenomenon!

As such, we feel that people with the slightest doubt of dependency on something should read it!

About Melody Beattie

Melody Beattie (1948) is hailed as one of America’s finest self-help female writers of all time.

Her expertise in codependent relationships has helped her to reach the hearts of those facing those challenges.

“Codependent No More PDF Summary”

Melody recalls her first encounter with the very idea of codependence in the sixties. At that time, people at the mercy of others were not referred to as codependents. The same approach applied to drug and alcohol abusers who were later labeled as chemically dependent.

It seems strange that even if you are not privy to the terminology used, you can somewhat easily spot these codependents.

As the name actually implies, it covers a wide spectrum of people who run through life mostly addicted to other people and sometimes “things.” We’ll try to keep our focus on the people part and find out what causes this obsession to come about.

People falling into this broad category are very precise in their overall perspective regarding life. They exhibit insecure submissiveness and almost always place emphasis on the feelings.

They ruminate on their decisions made through the course of life and ponder excessively whether something should have been done differently or not.

The idea of unacceptance fuels this excessive need for self-analysis and dependence. This group sometimes go as far as manipulating the system in order to execute certain tasks.

Melody addresses the problems of this group, and how sometimes they struggled to separate truth from lies.

Before we take things a step further, let’s try to understand codependency.

There are as many definitions as they are stars in the sky. To some degree, they all endeavor to unravel the same ideology and point out what happens in the aftermath of this revelation.

On the inside, codependents have this innate urge to ingratiate themselves with the society and are often portrayed as benevolent and kind. As stated in the book, codependency can be construed as a disease due to its progressive nature.

As a response, some early symptoms may crop up which on the long-run can give new impetus to depression, isolation, suicidal urges, etc.

Nowadays, people see this type of disease with different eyes, often peered through the fog of delusion.

The self-destructive inclinations must be met with an equally powerful thrust which can tip the balance in favor of the codependent. So, who will be the instigator of this change? As a matter of fact, what foreshadows a full-scale alteration?

Melody believes that emotional, mental, and spiritual health can never be taught. The only thing you can do actually is to embolden a person or encourage it to take certain actions.

It comes as no surprise to anyone that people love to live in happiness and bliss, but that’s often easier said than done.

Codependents may:

Think that they are responsible for the feelings of the other person. This sense of liability emerges in various shapes and sizes through thoughts, actions, wants, deeds, you name it.
Feel overwhelming anxiety and stir up self-pity when the problem lies within the other person.
Anticipate the wants and desires of their close circle.
Wonder why other people don’t do likewise.
Attempt to prefer the well-being of others over themselves.
Feel no hesitation to vent their anger and rage about injustices done to others but shy away from applying that same logic in circumstances that cause disturbance to them.
Feel safe and secure when they are giving rather than receiving.
Feel shaky when someone takes care of them.
Feel disappointed because people don’t act with the same passion toward them.
Find themselves attracted to a needy group of individuals.
Go through boredom and a sense of worthiness which induces a personal crisis.
Leave behind something they love to do in order to satisfy others.

Codependents tend to:

Have a dysfunctional, aggressive family background.
Deny any collective responsibility for their emotional and mental status.
Put the blame onto themselves regardless of whether that’s true or not.
Be hard on themselves with regards to their physical, mental, emotional appearance.
Fly off the handle every once in a while, and take a defensive stance when others believe that codependents should embrace a different standpoint.
Double-check or completely disregard compliments lavished upon them.
Slump in deep dejection due to lack of praise.
Feel no connection to the world.
Think that they are not worthy of anything, and merit no praise whatsoever.
Feel insecure and often guilty when it comes to spending money on their basic needs or doing some other stuff for their Intrinsic pleasure.
Dread the possibility of rejection.
Take life too personally and everything flowing in it.
Have the victimhood ingrained in them as they are an easy mark for any form of abuse?
Act and portray themselves as victims.
Don’t believe in their ability.
Be skeptical about their prowess and are afraid to take risks.

The author clearly states that the preceding checklist doesn’t have all the necessary features, but it is a good starting point. Codependents ruminate on a lot of things, like most other people, but there’s a difference in traits which to some degree can assess a person’s codependency inclinations.

This is not an accurate portrayal of a codependent individual, and it doesn’t depict the individuality each person possesses.

It’s merely a profile that can help us dispel doubts regarding the urges of these people.

This leads us to the next revelation that codependents are not attached solely to people but to the environmental turmoil, as well. They are somewhat compelled to put the feelings of others above theirs with total disregard to the ramifications.

Attachment is a problem in itself; you don’t need anything extra burden to describe it as a real bottleneck.

It’s like being caught up in a fishing net and imprisoned, sometimes even unaware of your sentencing. Obsession with another human being or situation is also another way to put it or phrase it.

So, how to spot these individuals?

Truthfully, some cues can be seen from a mile away.

Melody knuckles down to the triangle comprised of three main roles: rescuer, persecutor, and victim. The flexibility in this process sustained by the role-changing and other emotional inconsistencies.

Sometimes, when we take care of our beloved ones, we put our basic needs and interests aside. This behavior may give birth to some destructive inner patterns, and put the entire life on hold. It’s a path you wouldn’t want to take.

Don’t remain a victim, because caretaking is one form of oppression. Nobody is saying that you shouldn’t show signs of empathy, but you should really bring your real intentions into line with your urges.

Sometimes, we feel like the people cannot be held accountable for their wrongdoings and we decide to the backbreaking work on their behalf.

This doesn’t justify, why you neglect yourself!

“Needing” is a recipe for disaster because it can cause a lot of trouble. It’s completely wrong to base your happiness on things or other people. If the needs of others represent the axis around which your life spins, you are dealing with severe emotional insecurity.

Every now and then, people also have this habitual tendency to play tricks in order to conceal their dependency.

Why would a person do such a thing? Aren’t we capable of judging our capability without necessarily attaching a negative stigma to it?

Here are a couple of ground rules that may help:

Execute all the tasks starting from early childhood. Cultivate that habit and try to get into the right frame of mind.
Protect that frightened and insecure child dwelling deep within us.
Find real happiness from within, stop making excuses.
Find out what needs to be done in order to detach from these habitual tendencies. Learn how to lean on yourself, and you’ll see a significant change right away.
Call upon God – it is a source that cares for you!
Leave no stone unturned in your effort to gain independence. Dissect the exact ways that will help you reach it!

Self-care and its effects

Self-care does correlate with the attitude you have about yourself and the one you promote as a member of a certain community. Moreover, it signifies our utmost sincerity in handling relationships and how we cope with the pressure of dealing with the issues that may crop up.

As long so you don’t pry into other people’s lives, and they do the same to you, you’ll be fine. If you put your interest upfront, you don’t have to feel ashamed, because there is nothing wrong with being a little selfish.

Due to the fact that codependents rarely take their well-being into account, they suffer! By no means should you feel selfish in doing so!

Yes, you have to acknowledge the fact that you have the right to be a first-class citizen – in your mind. You don’t deserve to treat yourself and to be treated in that fashion.

The question is – how to attain a peaceful state? A person needs to go through the five-step process listed below:

Denial
Anger
Barging
Depression
Acceptance

A deep mental impasse also comes about when people believe that being angry is a sin. Let us lay a couple of things that codependents are convinced of:

It’s unacceptable to look or feel angry
Anger is a total waste of time and energy
Moral people never experience anger
Never should you allow yourself to get upset under any circumstances
Losing control due to anger is equally bad
People run away from angry folks
Other people must always feel accepted in your presence

Don’t get surprised if from time to time, you may lose the ground beneath your feet. It’s a symbolic expression that embodies our absolute necessity to vent anger and rage if that’s the appropriate response.

Anyway, one must not take for granted the idea of self-development into a self-reliant individual. When feelings come rush in, handle them with your feet on the ground.

Tackle the codependent traits and laws you live by!

Key Lessons from “Codependent No More”

1. The effects of codependency
2. Find your hidden battering ram
3. Educate yourself

The effects of codependency

If you are unaware of the calamity induced by the lack of independent spirit, then you’re really putting yourself in a secondary-position.

Remaining dependent is being weak, and often people will make take full advantage of that. Stand up for yourself and focus on your well-being.

Find your hidden battering ram

This symbolic expression of how you should act and when is in tune with the idea of becoming more empowered.

It’s the idea that allows you to adopt a selfish approach if it is for a greater good.

Educate yourself and evolve constantly

Don’t merely become one of those people who despise change. In order to thrive a person needs to tackle the codependent spirit and accept full liability for every action.

Be prepared to exploit every means at your disposal in order to grow.

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