No More Mr. Nice Guy Summary
10 min read ⌚
A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life
Feeling like you’re too nice for your own sake?
Dr. Robert A. Glover would like to quote Alice Cooper for you:
Who Should Read “No More Mr. Nice Guy”? And Why?
If you think that you’re giving more than you’re receiving and you are afraid that you’ve neither lived up to your full potential nor built a stable and loving relationship, then No More Mr. Nice Guy is definitely the book for you.
Think of it as a more rational and less misogynistic version of The Rational Male.
For Nice Guys.
About Dr. Robert Glover
Dr. Robert A. Glover is an American author and speaker, “an internationally recognized authority on the Nice Guy Syndrome.”
He is a frequent guest on radio talk shows and has been featured in many publications, dubbed “emerging figure in the Men’s Movement” by The Seattle Times and “a psychology guru” by The New York Times.
No More Mr. Nice Guy is his only book so far.
Find out more at https://www.drglover.com.
“No More Mr. Nice Guy PDF Summary”
The Nice Guy Syndrome
According to Dr. Robert Glover, there are many men who “believe that if they are ‘good’ and do everything ‘right,’ they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.”
He calls these men Nice Guys, and he thinks that they are everywhere (and look nothing like Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling).
You’ll see them in your relative who lets his wife run the show or in your buddy who’s always there for everyone though his life is in shambles.
You’ll also see them in the guy who never says “no” to anyone and has absolutely no time for himself, and in the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn’t want to rock the boat.
Finally, you’ll see him in the mirror if you can describe yourself along these lines.
Characteristics of Nice Guys
“Every Nice Guy is unique,” writes Glover, “but all have a cluster of similar characteristics. These traits are the result of a ‘script,’ often formed in childhood, that guides their lives. While other men may have one or two of these traits, Nice Guys seem to possess a significant number.”
And here they are:
• Nice Guys are givers. Nice Guys believe – and frequently state – that helping other people makes them feel better and happier;
• Nice Guys fix and caretake. Even without being asked, Nice Guys often try to fix other people’s problems, regardless of the type or severity.
• Nice Guys seek approval from others. The universal trait: everything a Nice Guy does or says is at some level calculated to gain someone’s approval or avoid disapproval; and that someone is often a woman.
• Nice Guys avoid conflict. Nice Guys hate when things are not running smoothly.
• Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. These men are afraid that others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave them if some mistake or shortcoming is exposed.
• Nice Guys seek the “right” way to do things. They believe there is such a thing.
• Nice Guys repress their feelings. Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than feel.
• Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers. Because oftentimes, they had been neglected by them.
• Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men. See above.
• Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. These men often feel that it is selfish to put their needs first.
• Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy.
What’s Wrong with Being A Nice Guy?
OK, you say, I know quite a few people who share at least half of the characteristics above, but they are, well, Nice Guys.
What’s wrong with being a Nice Guy?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s utterly unhealthy; human nature is not like that, and Nice Guys are actually Nice merely on the surface.
Below it, most of them share at least some of these Not-So-Nice Traits:
• Nice Guys are dishonest. Hiding your mistakes, repressing your feelings and avoiding conflict by saying what people want to hear (and not what you want to say) makes you a dishonest person, doesn’t it?
• Nice Guys are secretive.
• Nice Guys are compartmentalized. They harmonize contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments of the mind.
• Nice Guys are manipulative. Since they don’t want to ask what they actually want explicitly, Nice Guys frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.
• Nice Guys are controlling.
• Nice Guys give to get. Though they are generous givers, they also expect something in return; and they feel really hurt when they get little or nothing.
• Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. Nice Guys express their frustrations and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways (being late, forgetting, not following through, etc.)
• Nice Guys are full of rage. Because they repress so much, Nice Guys are ticking bombs.
• Nice Guys are addictive.
• Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. They don’t know the words “no,” “stop,” or “I’m going to.”
• Nice Guys are frequently isolated.
• Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing.
• Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships and issues with sexuality.
• Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. Despite their talent, they fail to live up to their potential.
The Integrated Male
So, what to do?
Well, recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome, writes Dr. Glover, “isn’t about going from one extreme to another. The process of breaking free from ineffective Nice Guy patterns doesn’t involve becoming ‘not nice.’ Rather, it means becoming ‘integrated.’”
Not really sure about what an integrated male is?
Here are a few attributes so that you understand better:
• He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just as he is.
• He takes responsibility for getting his own needs met.
• He is comfortable with his masculinity and sexuality.
• He has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient.
• He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about.
• He is clear, direct and expressive of his feelings.
• He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving.
• He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.
In short, “an integrated male doesn’t strive to be perfect or gain the approval of others. Instead, he accepts himself just as he is, warts and all. An integrated male accepts that he is perfectly imperfect.”
The Making of a Nice Guy
Now, why are some guys nice, when, on the surface, it seems evolutionary pointless?
In other words, why should some people invest so much energy to become something that they are not when this brings them nothing but rage, anger, and disappointment in return?
Sure, there are benefits to being manipulative when it brings you money, glory, or sexual partners; but Nice Guys get nothing even remotely similar to this; on the contrary, in fact – they lose almost everything.
So, why do Nice Guys exist in the first place?
Because it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is. Becoming a Nice Guy is a way of coping with situations where it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is. Further, the only thing that would make a child or an adult sacrifice one’s self by trying to become something different is a belief that being just who he is must be a bad and/or dangerous thing.
In a way, the Nice Guy is an evolutionary mistake: the result of the misinterpretation of some childhood experiences and the misuse of some survival mechanisms.
Namely, Nice Guys have usually experienced abandonment in their early years and do not want to live through that experience again.
Since they blame themselves for it, in their adulthood they think along the lines of this faulty logic: IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.”
Nice Guys hide their true selves from the world because they believe that their true selves are the problem; and, thus, they make the problem worse.
Learn to Please the Only Person Who Really Matters
The process of becoming an integrated male starts with a rather simple question: dear Mr. Nice Guy, how would you live your life if you cared not one bit about other people’s thoughts and feelings about you?
The same question can be reused in relation to Nice Guy’s relationships: what would you do differently in your relationships (be it with women or friends) if you weren’t interested in the approval of other people?
Because Nice Guys have got it all wrong: you shouldn’t change yourself to deserve other people’s approval, but you should spend your life around people who’d approve you just the way you are.
“Nice Guys find many creative ways to cover up their perceived flaws and mistakes,” notes Dr. Glover, and these are not limited to lying and fixing.
For example, most Nice Guys go into DEER Response mode whenever they do something wrong or fail to do something right and are subsequently confronted by their partners, friends, or bosses.
DEER is an acronym which stands for Defend, Explain, Excuse, Rationalize – four fear-based behaviors which feed the Mr. Nice Guy persona on a daily basis.
Becoming an integrated male starts with identifying the moments when you resort to these behaviors and try to do everything in your power to prevent yourself from acting them out.
You don’t have to excuse yourself for 98% of the things you excuse yourself for; you are not a bad person, and it’s only normal to believe that your dreams and desires are more important than the dreams and desires of everyone else.
Everybody does that.
And until you harm someone, you should also do everything within your power to making your dreams come true.
Once again, everybody does that.
Make Your Needs a Priority and Reclaim Your Personal Power and Masculinity
In a rather casual interview with Oprah, Cormac McCarthy says that it’s pointless and ludicrous to spend your only life here on earth doing something you don’t want to do.
As he says, “being able to live your life and being able to do what you want to do” should be your number 1 priority.
And unless you make it so, nobody else is going to do it for you; you are responsible for what’s happening to you, and you need to start taking actions if you want good things to come your way.
Be assertive and stop acting like you’re the victim; start expressing your feelings and start setting boundaries; don’t treat people and circumstances like problems that need to be fixed: see them as merely people and circumstances.
That way, it’d be easier for you to walk away from them when things get rough; life is messy, and sometimes they do; however, this doesn’t mean that it’s your responsibility to fix them.
End bad relationships and start new ones; it’d be better both for you and your partner.
Reclaim your personal power. If you need a summary, always remember that it is a six-step process which includes:
• Dwelling in reality.
• Expressing feelings.
• Facing fears.
• Developing integrity.
• Setting boundaries.
Key Lessons from “No More Mr. Nice Guy”
1. Nice Guys Are Actually Not-So-Nice
2. In a Way, Nice Guys Are Evolutionary Mistakes
3. The World Belongs to the Integrated Males: Become One
Nice Guys Are Actually Not-So-Nice
How many times have you heard something similar to: “But how could that happen? He seemed like such a nice guy…”
Probably one too many.
Because Nice Guys are usually, under the surface, not so nice.
The fact that they are constantly helping other people, trying to fix situations and repress their own feelings and needs takes its toll in time and results in them becoming passive-aggressive and angry individuals who feel as if some kind of cosmic injustice has been done to them.
And that’s when things fall apart.
In a Way, Nice Guys Are Evolutionary Mistakes
Boys become Nice Guys not because they want to become nice, but because they believe that this is the only way for them to get the approval they lack.
Usually, Nice Guys feel abandoned in their formative years and grow up believing that this is their fault.
Their way to cope with it?
To hide who they really are.
In their mind, the things they did when children – and when feeling like themselves – were wrong and now, if they do everything differently, they’d probably get the problem-free, conflict-less life they’ve been dreaming about.
Of course, it doesn’t work that way!
The World Belongs to the Integrated Males: Become One
Nice Guys, says Dr. Glover, do not evolve by becoming the opposite of what they are – aka Not Nice Guys – but by becoming Integrated Males.
Integrated Males like themselves just as they are and take responsibility for their own needs; they are comfortable with their masculinity and sexuality and do what they believe is right, not what is expedient.
They are clear, direct, and expressive, and willing to protect those they care about in a much more direct no-nonsense way.
Finally, they are also caring; Nice Guys confuse caring and caretaking, but Integrated Males are almost never caretakers.
And that’s a great thing!
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“No More Mr. Nice Guy Quotes”In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy. Click To Tweet Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting. Click To Tweet There are no perfect relationships. There are no perfect partners. Relationships by their very nature are chaotic, eventful, and challenging. Click To Tweet Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone's approval or to avoid disapproval. Click To Tweet What one man can do, another man can do. Click To Tweet
Our Critical Review
As we said in the “Who Should Read” section, No More Mr. Nice Guy is a diluted version of The Rational Male – or, better yet, the latter one radicalizes many of its core ideas.
This is good since, at least in our eyes, it makes No More Mr. Nice Guy both much more readable and much more approachable.
Once again, however, we are not big fans of all this masculinity-in-crises mode of thinking, and we’re not that sure that nice guys should change that much.
At least as far as we are concerned, in fact, we actually a few more nice guys in the world; and we really don’t think that nice guys are, underneath it all, not-so-nice.
That’s basically a contradiction in terms.
Just a regular guy with a knack for writing, and digital marketing.
Emir is the Head of International and SEO at 12Min. In his spare time, he loves to meditate and play soccer.