16 min read ⌚ 

A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

Having problems with women and work?

Possibly this is because you’re going the wrong way.

There is only one right way, says David Deida:

The Way of the Superior Man.

Who Should Read “The Way of the Superior Man”? And Why?

Even though much more moderate, The Way of the Superior Man is polarizing enough that some people deem it an accidental part of the Manosphere canon. In other words, it is a book that perhaps fans of Neil Strauss’ The Game, Robert Green’s The Art of Seduction—and even Robert Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy or Rollo Tomassi’s The Rational Male—should enjoy.

However, to use the words of the author from the “Introduction” to the 20th-anniversary edition, The Way of the Superior Man is also a book “written explicitly for people who have already achieved respect for other genders and sexual preferences, and who consider men and women to be social, economic, and political equals.”

So, be warned: if you don’t believe the above, then it may be a bit dangerous to read The Way of the Superior Man because you might get the wrong idea about what men and women are, and instead of a better man, become a worse man after putting its suggestions into practice.

About David Deida

David Deida is a bestselling American author.

A founding member of the Integral Institute and one of Watkins Spiritual 100, he has written ten books that have been so far published in more than 25 languages worldwide.

Some of these are The Enlightened Sex Manual, Blue Truth, Finding God Through Sex, and the autobiographical novel Wild Nights.

Find out more at https://deida.info/. 

Book Summary

“This book,” writes Deida at the beginning of The Way of the Superior Man, “is a guide for a specific kind of newly evolving man. This man is unabashedly masculine—he is purposeful, confident, and directed, living his chosen way of life with deep integrity and humor—and he is sensitive, spontaneous, and spiritually alive, with a heart commitment to discovering and living his deepest truth.”

If you want to become this man—who is neither a King Kong nor a wimp, neither an old-style macho nor an androgynous Mr. Nice Guy—then read on. As Deida says:

It is time to evolve beyond the macho jerk ideal, all spine and no heart. It is also time to evolve beyond the sensitive and caring wimp ideal, all heart and no spine. Heart and spine must be united in a single man, and then gone beyond in the fullest expression of love and consciousness possible, which requires a deep relaxation into the infinite openness of this present moment. And this takes a new kind of guts. This is The Way of the Superior Man.

Part One: A Man’s Way

As suggested by the very title, there is such a thing as a man’s way—and it is a way very different from the way of the woman.

But what’s the main difference, how can one one understand their masculine energy and live a life of integrity, authenticity, and truth to themselves.

David dwells on many topics that trouble the everyday man, along the lines of what’s true purpose in life, what women want and expect in a man, how can I become a better version of who I am, and what it takes to take a next step in my professional life as well. On top of that, he also expands on how to achieve sexual maturity and truly go beyond the stereotypical macho jerk type.

In order to tread upon it you need to:

• Stop hoping for the completion of anything in life
“As long as life continues, the creative challenge is to tussle, play, and make love with the present moment while giving your unique gift,” writes Deida. Things never end, so don’t act like they will. Embrace the fight and march ahead.

• Live with an open heart even if it hurts
Boys don’t cry—according to the old macho ideal. According to the Way of the Superior Man, they do when they need to, because it is much better to live with a hurting than a closed heart. Don’t act: stay and act from inside the wound of pain.

• Live as if your father were dead
Both literally and metaphorically. A man must love his father, but he must never be allowed to live in his shadow. That’s why, in a strictly Freudian manner, it is essential to kill your father. 

• Know your real edge and don’t fake it
Each man has a capacity for growth, i.e. a limit. Don’t forget this. Because “where a man’s edge is located is less important than whether he is actually living his edge in truth, rather than being lazy or deluded.”

• Always hold to your deepest realization
Find your why and hold onto it. Do anything necessary to discover your purpose and then organize your life around it.

• Never change your mind just to please a woman
Holding onto your why means not being a wimp: never betray your purpose for a woman.

• Your purpose must come before your relationship
“Every man knows that his highest purpose in life cannot be reduced to any particular relationship,” writes Deida. “If a man prioritizes his relationship over his highest purpose, he weakens himself, disserves the universe, and cheats his woman of an authentic man who can offer her full, undivided presence.”

• Lean just beyond your edge
Don’t stay in your comfort zone. Freedom is all about pushing your limits. Learn just beyond your edge and do this constantly. In everything you do.

• Do it for love
“The way a man penetrates the world should be the same way he penetrates his woman,” says Deida in an oft-quoted sentence of this chapter, “not merely for personal gain or pleasure, but to magnify love, openness, and depth.”

• Enjoy your friends’ criticism
Women are hurt by criticism: this is, after all, their nature. Men, however, should never be. They should always be open to receiving direct criticism from other men and make use of it. This is the sign of the Superior Man.

• If you don’t know your purpose, discover it, now
Back to your purpose. What are you doing without it, man? Men without a purpose are not only lost and drifting, they are also sexually impotent and incapable of putting things into motion.

• Be willing to change everything in your life
If your purpose doesn’t align with your form of living, you must be prepared to alter absolutely everything about yourself to make amends and start living the life you were destined to.

• Don’t use your family as an excuse
“A man should, of course, be a full participant in caring for children and the household,” writes Deida in a controversial sentence, “but if he gives up his deepest purpose to do so, ultimately, everyone suffers.” 

• Don’t get lost in tasks and duties
There is nothing more important than your purpose. Everything else is just a bunch of minutiae. Don’t let yourself get lost in these everyday tasks and duties. Focus on what’s important.

• Stop hoping for your woman to get easier
In a way, a woman is created to test her man—in the form of “complaining, challenging him, changing her mind, doubting him, distracting him, or even undermining his purpose in a subtle or not so subtle way.” Appreciate and embrace this. As Deida writes:

The most loving women are the women who will test you the most. She wants you to be your fullest, most magnificent self. She won’t settle for anything less. She knows it is true of you. She knows in your deepest heart you are free, you are Shiva. Anything less than that she will torment. And, as you know, she’s quite good at it.

Part Two: Dealing with Women

On the subject of women—in part two, Deida explains how a man should deal with them in the proper manner. And he shares seven insights and practical bits of advice:

• Women are not liars
The word “lying” is a masculine word, in the sense that only men are consistent and can lie or tell the truth. Women, being emotional, say how they feel at the present moment. “A man’s word is his honor,” says Deida. “A woman’s word is her true expression in the moment.”

• Praise her
Men grow by challenge, while women by praise. So, praise your woman freely and unabashedly.

• Tolerating her leads to resenting her
In yet another somewhat paradoxical piece of advice, Deida claims that while a man should love a woman and serve her with every ounce of his being, he “shouldn’t tolerate bitchy and complaining moodiness.” Tolerating leads to resenting, and resenting to breaking up or divorcing.

• Don’t analyze your woman
As we said above, women are not consistent. And because they change constantly, no analysis will ever pin them down. Accept your woman the same way you accept the weather: even the storms are part of a pattern that promises a sunny day just around the corner.

• Don’t suggest that a woman fix her own emotional problem
A big no-no: the feminine is “pure energy in motion” and self-analysis or fixing are negation of this. And if the suggestion for something like that comes from you—that’s even worse!

• Stay with her intensity—to a point
Apparently, when a woman gets emotionally intense, the superior man is capable of penetrating her mood “with imperturbable love and unwavering consciousness.” Try doing that and stop being the mediocre man who wants to discuss things. 

• Don’t force the feminine to make decisions
One of the foundational masculine traits is taking responsibility. And making decisions comes with this. Forcing your woman to make decisions—or even allowing her this—may backfire, because, unlike men, women don’t feel comfortable taking responsibility.

Part Three: Working with Polarity and Energy

As the old wisdom says: opposites attract. Here’s Deida’s take on this:

• Your attraction to the feminine is inevitable
About 80% of all men have a more masculine sexual essence, says Deida, and all of these men are attracted to all things feminine (radiant women, music, nature, beer, etc.) It is simply inevitable. Don’t hide this attraction: allow it to flourish.

• Choose a woman who is your complementary opposite
Love is a simple equation according to Deida: “If a man is very masculine by nature, then he will be attracted to a very feminine woman, who will complement his energy. The more neutral or balanced he is, the more balanced he will prefer his woman. And, if a man is more feminine by nature, his energy will be complemented by the strong direction and purposiveness of a more masculine woman.”

• Know what is important in your woman
As can be deduced from the quote above, the more masculine a man is, the better it is not only for him but for his woman as well. Because the more masculine he is, the more he will crave his woman’s feminine energy, giving her a chance to develop in the right direction.

• You will often want more than one woman
There is no way to avoid this. However, there is a way to not act upon it. And you shouldn’t—because it eventually ends up complicating your life much more than anything else.

• Young women offer you a special energy
Even old men like younger women, and young men rarely like older women. Why? Because “youth in a woman bespeaks radiant, unobstructed, and refreshing feminine energy.”

• Each woman has a “temperature” that can heal or irritate you
Time for another generalization: there are “hot” and “cool” women. If you need a stereotype, dark-skinned, brunette, red-headed, Korean, and Polynesian women are hot and blonde, light-skinned, Japanese, and Chinese women are cool. It is irritating to have a hot woman when you need someone to cool you, and vice versa. Understand the temperature of feminine energy and choose wisely.

Part Four: What Women Really Want

Just like Mel Gibson in the similarly-titled movie, Deida knows precisely what women want. And he shares his findings in the fourth part of The Way of Superior Man.

• Choose a woman who chooses you
Evolutionary biologists mostly share this opinion: it’s the ladies who choose. Deida phrases this thus: “If a man wants a woman who doesn’t want him, he cannot win.” So, choose a woman who chooses you to be her partner.

• What she wants is not what she says
Men and women speak different languages, so don’t try to hard to understand your woman. Instead, think of her outbursts and illogical beliefs as tests, and pass them by magnifying love, consciousness, and success in your woman’s life, in spite of her requests.

• Her complaint is content-free
Don’t believe the literal content of a woman’s complaint. Just like babies’ cries, a woman’s complaints are warning bells and indications of a mood. Act accordingly, and never steer away from your purpose.

• She doesn’t really want to be number one
“Although she would never admit it,” writes Deida, a woman “wants to feel that her man would be willing to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his highest purpose.” So, don’t treat her as if she is more important than that, once again, in spite of her requests.

• Your excellent track record is meaningless to her
Even if you are perfect for ten years, thirty minutes of idiotism will cause your woman to forget your excellent track record. Men base their opinion of women on their past behavior, but for women this is irrelevant.

• She wants to relax in the demonstration of your direction
Take charge: financially, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. A woman can relax only if you take the wheel and steer the course independently from her.

Part Five: Your Dark Side

Don’t allow, for a second, to lose track of your dark side. A woman wants a man’s dark side. In fact, that is precisely what she wants in a man: the monster, the killer, in him. (Think Fifty Shades of Grey, for example).

• You are always searching for freedom
“The masculine is always seeking release from constraint into freedom,” writes Deida. “The feminine often doesn’t understand these masculine ways and needs.” Regardless of the latter: try to find your freedom.

• Own your darkest desires
It is dark the masculine force; if you disown it, you are kinking its hose and. thus, you weaken your masculine capacity to face the unknown while still being able to love your woman.

• She wants the “killer” in you
Fearlessness is “a quintessential form of the ultimate masculine gift.” A woman is turned off by men who are afraid: she wants someone capable of killing a mouse without blinking, someone ready to face everything that comes along the way, no matter how scary.

• She needs your consciousness to match her energy
“The feminine destructress must be met by the masculine destroyer. The goddess of devotion must be met by the god of all-pervading love.” Equal the energy of your woman with appropriate consciousness: all other ways lead to destruction.

Part Six: Feminine Attractiveness

What makes the feminine in a woman attractive? Here’s what:

• The feminine is abundant
In women, there is never a shortage of feminine energy. There is, however, “resistance to receiving, trusting, and embracing it.” Open your heart and stop resisting: Life itself is the feminine.

• Allow older women their magic
Men shouldn’t compare older women to younger women: they should allow the former to be wise and powerful, intuitive and healing.

• Turn your lust into gifts
Don’t deny your sexual attraction to a woman, but don’t disperse it in mental fantasies as well. Let it circulate through your body and fill your heart.

• Never allow your desire to become suppressed or depolarized
A man must cultivate a polarized relationship with his woman and his world: this is the only way for him to remain in a relationship with either. If you deny your desire for the feminine, you depolarize yourself, and that leads to impotence and purposelessness.

• Use her attractiveness as a slingshot through appearance
“A man’s attraction to women must be converted from attraction to women into attraction through women,” writes Deida. “He must feel through her beauty, into the very delight of which her beauty is but a ripple and reminder. His whole relation to appearance is epitomized in his relation to women, either as obsession, distraction, or revelation.”

Part Seven: Body Practices

You know you want to hear Deida’s opinion on sex. So let’s talk about the physical aspect of a relationship a bit!

• Ejaculation should be converted or consciously chosen
If you don’t have control over your ejaculation, then you cannot meet your woman’s needs. You must learn to convert the ejaculation “into non-ejaculatory whole body, brain, and heart orgasms.” Whatever that is.

• Breathe down the front
“The principal bodily key to mastering the world and women is maintaining a full and open front of the body at all times,” suggests Deida. “The best method is through full and relaxed breathing, drawing energy down the front, and freeing attention from neurotic self-concern.”

• Ejaculate up the spine
Through the use of breath, feeling, and intention, you can contract the pelvic floor near the genitals and draw some energy up the spine. The result is a rejuvenating orgasm, which Deida poetically describes as an explosion of energy into the brain, from where it rains down through the body “like an ambrosial bliss.”

Part Eight: Men’s and Women’s Yoga of Intimacy

The final part of The Way of the Superior Man is dedicated to something Deida calls the “yoga of intimacy.” Here are his final instructions which should help you become a more evolved form of a man.

• Take into account the primary asymmetry
The only way for a relationship to work between a man and a woman is for them to respect each other’s priorities. The more masculine a man is, the more important his mission is to him; the more feminine a woman is, the more important an intimate relationship is to her. How one can solve this “primary asymmetry” through something more than just “taking it into account,” we don’t know. But one must—for a relationship to work.

• You are responsible for the growth in intimacy
A woman is responsible for her man’s bodily energy (i.e., erections), and a man is responsible for the woman’s openness of mood and depth of love. In other words, the “direction of growth of a relationship is primarily the man’s responsibility”

• Insist on practice and growth
A macho man’s way of dealing with his woman is “My way or the high way.” Mr. Nice Guy’s way is the way of compromise or even self-negation: “OK, your way.” But a Superior Man’s way is the way of inspiring his woman to tread the path that most serves her growth in love and happiness.

• Restore your purpose in solitude and with other men
A woman strengthens her feminine radiance best “in the company of other women in mutual celebration and play.” A man, on the other hand, restores his purpose mainly in solitude, when faced with challenges, or in the company of other men like him. Arrange for all of these forms of restoration.

• Practice dissolving
“Like dissolving in the intensity of an orgasm, a man’s greatest desire is to be utterly released,” writes Deida in his final lesson, once again in a poetic manner. “Die in the giving of your gift, so you don’t even notice you have stopped holding onto yourself. Fear is your final excuse. Don’t fight it. Love through it.”

Key Lessons from “The Way of the Superior Man”

1.      Your Purpose Comes First, Your Women Come Second
2.      Embrace Both Your Masculinity and Your Woman’s Femininity
3.      Own Your Darkest Desires

Your Purpose Comes First, Your Women Come Second

“Your mission is your priority,” writes Deida in the first part of The Way of the Superior Man. “Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty. Your presence in the world will be weakened, as will your presence with your intimate partner.”

So, the next time you notice yourself “giving in” to your woman and denying your true purpose to spend time with her, Deida advises that you should stop. 

“Tell your woman that you love her,” he says, “but you cannot deny your heart’s purpose. Tell her that you will spend thirty minutes (or some specific time) with her in absolute attention and total presence, but then you must return to carry on your mission.”

Supposedly, this should work. (Our note: it rarely will).

Embrace Both Your Masculinity and Your Woman’s Femininity

Deida believes that men and women are profoundly different and that the more attuned each of the sexes is to their ancestral and essentially unchangeable yin/yang energy, the more intense and stronger their sexual and spiritual union will be.

A man who is not embracing his masculine energy (i.e., who spends a lot of time combing his hair and/or buying clothes) opens a vacuum for this kind of energy that must be filled by the woman who, in turn, is thus stimulated to act more manly.

The bottom line: the more masculine a man is, the more space he allows his woman to embrace her femininity, and vice versa.

Own Your Darkest Desires

“The masculine is always seeking release from constraint into freedom,” says Deida, which is why a man must always be ready to own his darkest desires. Without doing this, he is purposefully limiting his freedom, which, as we said above is possibly the basic masculine trait.

If you are not free, you’ll never be able to find your life purpose, face your fears, and lead a relationship. And without this, you’ll never be the man you can be and you’ll never give your woman the chance to see the best version of you.

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“The Way of the Superior Man Quotes”

Our Critical Review

In essence, The Way of the Superior Man claims that a man should be more masculine and a woman more feminine if their goal is a spiritually and sexually stimulating union. 

And even though, in its latest edition, Deida tries to be a bit more politically correct, he generalizes just too many things related to sex and gender to achieve something more than a repackaged and diluted version of some of manosphere’s main tenets.As poetic as it is unscientific, we can see how The Way of the Superior Man can be enjoyed by many people and helpful to at least half of them (the men), but, for lack of a better phrase, it is simply not our cup of tea.

Emir Zecovic

Emir is the Head of Marketing at 12min. In his spare time, he loves to meditate and play soccer.